The Gottman method is not another framework that sounds great in theory but falls apart the moment you get home and the same argument starts again. It is research-backed, practical, and built around the specific patterns that quietly unravel relationships over time. I use it because it works. And I use it because the couples I work with are not looking for someone to nod along politely. They want to understand what is actually happening and get real tools to change it.
The Gottman method gives us a shared map. Instead of guessing at what is going wrong or why the same rupture keeps happening, we slow everything down and look at the real dynamics underneath the conflict. If you are in Pleasanton, CA or anywhere in California and you are tired of spinning your wheels, this is where we start.
The Gottman method gives us a shared map. Instead of guessing at what is going wrong or why the same rupture keeps happening, we slow everything down and look at the real dynamics underneath the conflict. If you are in Pleasanton, CA or anywhere in California and you are tired of spinning your wheels, this is where we start.
You are not broken. You are stuck.
Here is what I see a lot: two people who genuinely love each other, sitting across from one another in silence, or mid-argument wondering how they got here again. You are both exhausted. You both care. And somehow that is not enough to stop the cycle.
That is not a character flaw. It is a pattern. And patterns can be changed.
The couples I work with are navigating all kinds of complexity. BIPOC and interracial couples carrying the weight of cultural differences, family expectations, and the very real stress that comes with building a life across different backgrounds. inter-political couples where one partner leans left and the other leans right, and the dinner table has started to feel like a debate stage. Couples where one or both partners have ADHD, and what looks like carelessness or emotional reactivity is actually a nervous system working overtime.
What all of these couples have in common is that they came in with real love and real commitment, and somewhere along the way the differences that once felt interesting started to feel like fault lines.
The Gottman method is built on decades of research into what actually makes relationships succeed or fall apart. What the research found was not dramatic or surprising. It was the small stuff. Couples often come to me experiencing one or more of the following:
These patterns are predictable. More importantly, they are workable.
That is not a character flaw. It is a pattern. And patterns can be changed.
The couples I work with are navigating all kinds of complexity. BIPOC and interracial couples carrying the weight of cultural differences, family expectations, and the very real stress that comes with building a life across different backgrounds. inter-political couples where one partner leans left and the other leans right, and the dinner table has started to feel like a debate stage. Couples where one or both partners have ADHD, and what looks like carelessness or emotional reactivity is actually a nervous system working overtime.
What all of these couples have in common is that they came in with real love and real commitment, and somewhere along the way the differences that once felt interesting started to feel like fault lines.
The Gottman method is built on decades of research into what actually makes relationships succeed or fall apart. What the research found was not dramatic or surprising. It was the small stuff. Couples often come to me experiencing one or more of the following:
- The same argument on repeat with no real resolution
- A growing emotional distance that looks like peace but feels like silence
- One partner reaching out while the other pulls back
- Contempt, criticism, or defensiveness that has crept into everyday conversations
- A creeping fear that you are becoming roommates, not partners
- Conflict rooted in cultural, political, or neurological differences that neither of you was ever taught how to navigate
These patterns are predictable. More importantly, they are workable.
One of the most well-known findings from Gottman research is what they called the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If any of those sound familiar, you are in good company. Most couples who come to me have at least one running on autopilot.
I do not bring this up to create a checklist of what you are doing wrong. I bring it up because naming these patterns is the first step toward interrupting them. Here is what that typically looks like in practice:
For couples navigating cultural or political differences, contempt and defensiveness tend to show up in particularly sneaky ways. When one partner's identity or values feel like they are being dismissed, the conversation stops being about the dishes or the schedule and starts being about something much deeper. When one partner has ADHD, stonewalling can be misread as indifference when it is really overwhelm. The Gottman method helps us slow that down and see it clearly.
When you can see what is happening in real time, you get to choose a different response. That is what we build together.
I do not bring this up to create a checklist of what you are doing wrong. I bring it up because naming these patterns is the first step toward interrupting them. Here is what that typically looks like in practice:
- Criticism sounds like attacking who your partner is, rather than what they did
- Contempt shows up as eye rolls, dismissiveness, or the quiet message that your partner does not measure up
- Defensiveness turns every concern into a counter-complaint, so nothing ever gets resolved
- Stonewalling is the emotional shutdown that feels like calm but is actually withdrawal
For couples navigating cultural or political differences, contempt and defensiveness tend to show up in particularly sneaky ways. When one partner's identity or values feel like they are being dismissed, the conversation stops being about the dishes or the schedule and starts being about something much deeper. When one partner has ADHD, stonewalling can be misread as indifference when it is really overwhelm. The Gottman method helps us slow that down and see it clearly.
When you can see what is happening in real time, you get to choose a different response. That is what we build together.
What we are actually looking at
Navigating difference without losing each other
BIPOC and interracial couples often face pressures that do not show up in standard couples therapy models. Family disapproval, cultural mismatches around communication styles, grief over traditions that do not transfer across backgrounds, and the exhaustion of being a mixed-race partnership in spaces that were not built with you in mind. These are not niche concerns. They are daily realities, and they belong in the therapy room.
Inter-political couples are navigating their own version of this. When your values feel tied to your identity and your partner sees the world differently, it is easy for political disagreements to stop feeling like debates and start feeling like fundamental incompatibility. They usually are not. But you do need a way to talk about it that does not end in shutdown or resentment.
And for couples where ADHD is part of the picture, the relational impact is real and often misunderstood. The partner with ADHD may appear distracted, forgetful, or emotionally reactive. The other partner may feel chronically unseen or like they are carrying everything alone. Neither experience is wrong. Both need to be understood in context. I bring specific knowledge of ADHD dynamics into this work so that we are building tools that actually account for how both of your brains operate.
The Gottman method gives us the structure to hold all of this. The personalized part is everything else.
Inter-political couples are navigating their own version of this. When your values feel tied to your identity and your partner sees the world differently, it is easy for political disagreements to stop feeling like debates and start feeling like fundamental incompatibility. They usually are not. But you do need a way to talk about it that does not end in shutdown or resentment.
And for couples where ADHD is part of the picture, the relational impact is real and often misunderstood. The partner with ADHD may appear distracted, forgetful, or emotionally reactive. The other partner may feel chronically unseen or like they are carrying everything alone. Neither experience is wrong. Both need to be understood in context. I bring specific knowledge of ADHD dynamics into this work so that we are building tools that actually account for how both of your brains operate.
The Gottman method gives us the structure to hold all of this. The personalized part is everything else.
I combine the Gottman method with Emotionally Focused Therapy and attachment-based work, because behavior change matters and so does the emotional world underneath it. Knowing the right thing to say is only half the equation. Understanding why you shut down, or why your partner escalates, is the other half.
Before we get into skill-building, I want to know your story. Not just the conflict that brought you in, but the full arc of your relationship:
That history matters. It tells me what you are trying to protect, and it reminds both of you that there is something worth fighting for here.
Before we get into skill-building, I want to know your story. Not just the conflict that brought you in, but the full arc of your relationship:
- How you met and what made you fall for this person
- The version of your relationship that existed before things got hard
- The personal histories, cultural backgrounds, and family patterns shaping how each of you shows up today
- What each of you actually needs to feel safe, seen, and connected
- How ADHD, cultural difference, or political tension has shaped the dynamic over time
That history matters. It tells me what you are trying to protect, and it reminds both of you that there is something worth fighting for here.
My approach is not one-size-fits-all
We are not going to spend session after session talking about the same fight. That is not progress. My style is direct and structured, because vague therapy is frustrating for the kind of couples I work with. You are smart. You have insight. What you need is a clear framework and someone willing to call out the patterns as they happen, in real time.
Here is what you can expect when we work together:
There is also humor in this work when it fits. Learning to navigate something that has felt impossibly heavy does not have to be grim the entire time.
Here is what you can expect when we work together:
- A thorough intake process that helps me understand you as individuals and as a couple before we dive into problem-solving
- Individual sessions early on to explore personal history, cultural context, neurodivergence, and what each partner brings into the relationship dynamic
- A shared review of assessment results so both partners are working from the same understanding
- Structured sessions with practical tools you can actually use outside of the therapy room, tailored to your specific dynamic
- A direct, warm approach that challenges you when needed and celebrates genuine progress
There is also humor in this work when it fits. Learning to navigate something that has felt impossibly heavy does not have to be grim the entire time.
For couples who want to make real progress without waiting months for weekly sessions to add up, I offer couples intensives. These are extended, concentrated sessions that let us move through the full Gottman method process and start building new patterns, all within a focused timeframe.
Intensives are a strong fit if:
After an intensive, I schedule a follow-up session to review what shifted and address anything that still feels unsteady. From there, you choose the level of ongoing support that fits your life. Some couples schedule future intensives as needed. Others prefer monthly or as-needed 90-minute sessions to keep the momentum going. Weekly sessions are available when I have openings and when that structure fits your needs.
Intensives are a strong fit if:
- Your schedules make weekly appointments difficult to sustain
- You want to make significant progress quickly rather than gradually
- You are at a crossroads and need focused support to clarify the path forward
- You have done therapy before and want something more structured and outcome-driven
- You are navigating ADHD, cultural complexity, or political tension and want dedicated time to work through it without rushing
After an intensive, I schedule a follow-up session to review what shifted and address anything that still feels unsteady. From there, you choose the level of ongoing support that fits your life. Some couples schedule future intensives as needed. Others prefer monthly or as-needed 90-minute sessions to keep the momentum going. Weekly sessions are available when I have openings and when that structure fits your needs.
What sessions actually look like
Couples intensives in Pleasanton, CA
I work with couples in Pleasanton, CA in person and offer online sessions for couples anywhere in California. Online sessions run through a secure, HIPAA-compliant platform and are just as effective as in-person work for most couples. Whether you are across town or across the state, the quality of the work does not change.
Available in person and online across California
Every new couple starts with a free 20-minute consultation. It is a chance to ask questions, get a feel for how I work, and make sure this is actually a good fit before committing to anything. If we move forward, the onboarding process includes several assessments that help me understand your relationship dynamics from the start. There is a fair amount of paperwork upfront, and the clarity it gives me directly supports better outcomes for the couples I work with.
If you are ready to stop guessing and start rebuilding, reach out today. We can talk through what the process looks like and find a path that works for both of you.
If you are ready to stop guessing and start rebuilding, reach out today. We can talk through what the process looks like and find a path that works for both of you.
How to get started
Frequently Asked Questions
If you have questions or need help deciding if this is the right fit, feel free to reach out using the link below—we’ll sort it out together.
The Gottman method identifies four specific communication patterns that predict relationship breakdown: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Researchers called these the Four Horsemen, and for good reason. Contempt tends to be the most damaging of the four because it signals a fundamental loss of respect. For BIPOC and interracial couples, contempt can sometimes be tangled up with cultural misunderstanding. For couples where ADHD is in the picture, what looks like stonewalling is often overwhelm. Context matters, and that is always part of how I work.
The Gottman assessment is a detailed intake process that helps me understand your relationship from multiple angles before we dive into sessions. It includes questionnaires exploring communication patterns, relationship history, conflict styles, and emotional connection. For couples navigating cultural differences, neurodivergence, or political tension, this assessment also gives me a clearer picture of the specific pressures shaping your dynamic so we can target the work where it matters most.
The 5 to 1 rule comes from Gottman research showing that healthy relationships tend to have at least five positive interactions for every one negative one. That does not mean pretending everything is fine. It means the everyday moments of connection, humor, affection, and appreciation need to outweigh the moments of tension. For couples managing ADHD, political differences, or the stress of navigating two cultural worlds, that ratio can quietly flip without either partner noticing. Rebuilding it is often one of the first things we focus on.
The repair checklist is a practical tool couples use during or after conflict to de-escalate before things spiral. It includes simple phrases that signal a desire to slow down and reconnect rather than keep fighting. This is especially useful for couples where ADHD makes emotional regulation harder, or where political or cultural disagreements tend to escalate quickly. I introduce this tool once couples have a basic understanding of their conflict patterns, because knowing how to repair a rupture is just as important as understanding why it happened.
Gottman's research identified seven principles that distinguish lasting relationships from ones that deteriorate over time. These include building a deep knowledge of your partner's inner world, nurturing fondness and admiration, turning toward each other in small daily moments, and managing conflict with care rather than avoidance. For BIPOC and interracial couples, building genuine understanding of your partner's inner world often means learning about experiences and perspectives that are genuinely different from your own. That is not a barrier to connection. It is often where the deepest connection lives.
The Gottman method typically moves through four broad stages: assessment, psychoeducation, skill-building, and consolidation. How long we spend in each stage depends entirely on you as a couple. For couples navigating ADHD, we often spend more time in the skill-building phase making sure the tools are genuinely accessible for both partners' brains, not just theoretically sound.
Beyond the Four Horsemen, Gottman research points to several other warning signs including emotional flooding, gridlocked conflict, and a deteriorating friendship at the foundation of the relationship. For interracial or inter-political couples, gridlock often forms around identity-level differences that feel impossible to resolve. For couples with ADHD in the mix, emotional flooding happens faster and recovery takes longer. Recognizing these warning signs for what they are, rather than as proof that the relationship cannot work, is a big part of what we do together.
There is no single answer because every couple is different. Some couples make significant shifts within a couples intensive and a handful of follow-up sessions. Others benefit from longer-term support, particularly when there are layered dynamics like cultural tension, political differences, or ADHD that require more time to untangle. What I can tell you is that the work is structured and goal-oriented. You will always have a clear sense of what you are working toward.
The Gottman method is one of the most extensively researched approaches in couples therapy and has strong evidence behind it. That said, success depends on both partners engaging honestly with the process. The couples I work with who make the most progress, whether they are navigating cultural differences, political divides, or the relational impact of ADHD, are the ones who show up ready to look at their own patterns, not just their partner's. The research gives us a proven framework. What you bring to it determines how far it takes you.
Gottman's research identified seven key practices: building love maps, sharing fondness and admiration, turning toward rather than away, accepting influence from your partner, solving solvable problems, managing conflict around unsolvable ones, and creating shared meaning. For BIPOC and interracial couples, shared meaning often involves honoring two distinct cultural legacies. For inter-political couples, it means finding the values underneath the policy positions where you actually agree. For couples with ADHD, it means building systems that support connection rather than relying on consistency that may not come naturally. These are not lofty ideals. They are practical skills we build together.
Therapy With Alanna is a couples therapy practice based in Pleasanton, CA, serving couples online throughout California. I work with BIPOC, interracial, and neurodivergent couples who are stuck in painful patterns and quietly terrified of losing the relationship they've worked so hard to build. My approach is direct, warm, and grounded in real tools, not vague affirmations. I will challenge you, sit with you, and help you get back to the people you were when you fell in love.
